‘Hi, Ben. Going somewhere?’ Carmen asked as she sat down at Benita’s table. ‘No,’ Benita said in a glum manner before glancing up at Carmen....‘Hi, Carmen,’ Benita added with a forced and weak smile. ‘What’s going on? Are you still upset about . . .’ Carmen asked and lowered her voice before she added, ‘last Saturday?’ ‘No,’ Benita chuckled weakly, the incident with Carmen seemed so long ago. ‘Then what is it?’ Carmen asked, her voice full of concern as she leaned in, picked up Benita’s hand and. I was scared stiff and could feel my heart thumping in my chest, butterflies filled my stomach, my legs were trembling and I was walking in high heel boots that felt very unsteady. My mind was reeling, calling me such horrible names, 'slut, whore, slag' but I was so tremendously excited.I was so embarrassed when I checked us in to that hotel and on the way up to the room it began to sink in just how much Paul had emphasised the size of this strangers penis, his flaccid penis. Paul grows from. "Weren't you on Facebook last night?" Bryony asks, making me silentlycurse yet again."Facebook... Chatting with friends?" Mark asks. "With- with aboyfriend? A cute boyfriend?" Just friends," I say. "I'm- I'm, umm... Only, you know, 'interested'in- in girls." Oh," Mark says, before his eyes go wide. "Oh. Umm, okay. That's areal- that's a real pity, you know?" Not for me, it isn't," I say, and for the first time since Mark showedup again, I feel myself starting to relax."Well- umm, do- do you. Anyway, I’ve been a bit long-winded and I’m sorry. Here’s the fundamental point. The men and women who chill my blood are the ones who seem to be in a perpetual state of festering self-hatred. They either take it out on others, or they’re always seeking to be punished and humiliated. My feeling is that, like heroin addicts, they are seeking out their own deaths, whether consciously or not. Your friends will not be like that, I know. You wouldn’t feel any more comfortable with the self-haters.
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