I tell myself you had to go; it’s your nature and your job. Knowing it doesn't stop the ache in my depths. Logic and emotions don’t mix. Flinging...myself into the corner of the couch, my hair dances around me in a symphony of frustration. Even the cushions bounce a little with the violence of my movements. I curl those toes under me, digging into the upholstery. My fists press into my eyes. I haven’t actually heard from you, and there has been no real reason to expect you. Except, it is Friday. “You’re a dick,” he said without looking at me. I didn’t say anything. Nothing I could say would make him more miserable than he already was. All I had to do was stand there. I watched his back as he started to masturbate. I could picture his hand wrapped around his penis, pulling up and down. He was going fast, but trying not to look like he was going fast. He wanted this to be over with, but he wanted me to think that this wasn’t a big deal to him. I watched the wetly gleaming muscles of his. They’ll all be here.” She took a sip of coffee and looked at me.“Okay,” I said, not knowing what else to say.“You should wear some shorts or something,” she said.I felt my face get hot. “Okay,” I said again.“Do you have a jock strap?” she asked.“Somewhere,” I said. It had been required for gym class, but you only had to take Gym in your Freshman and Sophomore years, so I hadn’t seen it for a couple of years.“I don’t want you to feel bad about what happened,” said my mother.Great. She wanted to. Since we couldn't really let our guard down in public, the battalion paid something towards a few dances during the year, and we would raise some money amongst the troops to get a better band and pay for a buffet. The officers and sergeants chipped in as well and we usually held an all-ranks do. There was always some transport arranged so everyone could get as drunk as they wanted and still get home safe. It really was a family organisation.Jean and I used all the options except the shebeen..
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