I was anxious to go to the office, then to figure out a way to connect with her.I knew that Carla was a smoker, because I often saw her sitting on the...courtyard benches where smoking is allowed. As with most smoking areas, it was pushed off to the downwind side, under a large tree. That Monday, after a quick lunch, I went downstairs and walked across the courtyard. I saw her! She was about to light-up.I approached the bench. When she saw me, I managed what must have been a nervous smile. . “Don’t you think there are times when other considerations have to override medical judgment?”“End-of-life decisions? Sure. But risking your health and perhaps permanent injury?”“But don’t we do that just by getting out of bed? Or staying in bed? In fact, isn’t every single second of our life a potential health risk?”“Philosophically? Sure. But you can engage in mental masturbation all you want, and it doesn’t change the facts. Yes, of course, you can be hurt or die just going about your normal. It sounds cliched, I know, but it’s how I felt. I always put up a brave front for my family, tried to be the rock the desperate saps needed because they were so dysfunctional. They were all too sensitive, too vulnerable. They worried over everything, so I took care of them. When I caught him looking at me, it was like he could see how small and insecure and vulnerable I was myself and I didn’t like it. I needed to be strong, and I so desperately needed people to think of me that way. And then. "It was a Saturday night, Peter was ungodly horny and all he had for comfort was his computer. And he couldn't even doing anything with that. His backyard neighbors, a house full of just-graduated college kid rental types, were having another of their Saturday night blowouts. Peter went to the kitchen to peer through the window and check out the activity out there. There were 30 or 40 people littered along the back porch and yard, and techno music was blasting through the usually quiet suburban.
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