? I blinked for a few moments trying to processwhat had just happened?I even covered my mouth in shock to what had just escapedmy lips. Did I really w...nt her that bad?? Did I want her to love me?? I was most certainly attracted to her?butthere was a deep-seated feeling inside me?something dark and primal.? Something fearful?that wanted her for me andno one else. And the stone?it flashed so bright?blinding my eyespractically like a camera bulb.? Thelights overhead in the studio were. Besides, it’s been almost a year. I have certain needs!” she giggled.“No promises, except that we’ll talk. We need to reconnect. Friends?”“Friends!”“See you in a month, Jen,” I said.We said our goodbyes and hung up. It was too late to call Kara, but I’d call her in the morning. I wrote in my journal, trying to make sense of the evening. Life was complicated, but I was learning. Things hadn’t really changed that much, despite being seemingly much more complicated. In reality, everything was. ”Again, my text reached him in a very awkward situation, but he loved it. He said it was an immediate inferno inside him, and he couldn’t wait for my next text. It was a while, then …“Naked. Kissed my breasts.” Then …“Fuck! Sucked him!!!”It was only the next day that we got to talk again. Patrick was still riding the wave, on a complete high from my experience, and what he hoped was intense satisfaction for me. I hadn’t enjoyed it though. Nothing felt right. I found the entire encounter awkward. I do now. I think about sex all the time and it’s always you that I think about. When I have those thoughts, sex seems beautiful and pure and right, not like the memories I have. If I could go back and talk to myself when I was getting ready for that party, I’d tell myself to go to you instead. I’d want you to be my first, my last, my only, because I love you, Matt.I know that what happened doesn’t matter to you. It’s part of what makes me love you, that you can accept us as if we’re the same.
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